“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.” – Francis Bacon
*Warnings: Depression, Suicide*
I made a Facebook post earlier this month on how I was unaccustomed to failure after years of being told how smart and talented I was as a student. Even after finishing all my finals for the semester, I cannot shake off the existential dread grades have imposed on me.
I went to counseling for the first time a couple weeks ago, and I felt happier, relieved, coming out of it. But I have been realizing that these are only moments. Beyond them and the times I spend with friends, I am constantly dissatisfied and agitated. I feel my inner-self clawing for something more and continually facing rejection, emotional stability always not in reach. I’ve been crying more lately, too, overcome with incredibly depressing thoughts of anxiety and failure.
My next counseling session isn’t until January, but I feel myself thinking darker and darker thoughts. I’m unmotivated, to the point where I don’t care about failing out of college or other lonely, sadder thoughts.
Mostly, they have been fueled with fear, of disappointing my parents, of disappointing myself and those around me, of never living up to my potential, or worse, never having potential in the first place. It reminds me of the Marianne Williamson quote, made famous by Akeelah and the Bee:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
I’m no longer sure what my dreams are. It’s scary imagining the world without me, to think of myself as only a factor in the lives of other people and not as an individual. It’s harder allowing myself to make mistakes, to be confident in my strides, to know I’ll be ok.
I want 2017 to be more positive. I want to appreciate myself more and care for myself and be kind and considerate. I want to work on my talents, to recognize my potential, to motivate myself to at least create. Anything. Nothing. Something.
I want to be happier, not less unhappy. I want to smile more rather than frown less. I want my light to shine, to not drown in darkness again.
It’s easier said than done, but it starts with me and realizing my own worth outside of grades and relationships. And I’m ready to make happiness more of commitment rather than glimpses.